For every one young person who is comfortable talking with his parents about sex, there are many who are not. They squirm. They roll their eyes. They sigh and perhaps even protest, “Why do we have to talk about this?”

Parents, let’s not let our kids’ reluctance to discuss sex discourage us from following through, stopping us from passing on the truth and information that we know they absolutely need. On the contrary, the fact that they don’t want to dialog with us about sex is a sign that we seriously need to persist. Here’s why:

The reason young people get flustered and embarrassed to talk about sex with their parents is because they associate sex with shame.

Please understand, I am not saying our kids have done something sex-related that they are ashamed about (that may or may not be the case). What I am saying is that the discomfort they are expressing is because, on some level, they think of sex as shameful. As a result, just as Adam and Eve hid from authority when they associated nakedness with shame (Genesis 3:8), so our kids want to dodge us when we bring up sex.

This is understandable considering how our sex-obsessed culture portrays sexuality in such perverse ways that even a young child, not to mention a teen, could easily infer that sex is dirty. Furthermore, it’s our job to help our kids understand that sex is not at all dirty or shameful within the boundaries of God’s plan for sex and family.

God—not Satan—invented sex, remember? Let’s reclaim the topic!

Here are some points we need to know and do when dealing with a “child in hiding:”

God didn’t let Adam and Eve hide; don’t let your child hide either.
When Adam and Eve realized they were naked and felt ashamed, they hid from authority, but God came for them and called them out of hiding. Likewise, we must engage our kids and initiate conversations about sex and relationships despite their discomfort, just as God did with the first man and woman.

Let your child know it’s normal to want to look.
Many kids associate sex with shame because they see certain sex-related images in the media and think, “I know I shouldn’t want to look at that, but I do.” Let’s assure our kids that they are sexual beings by God’s design, and they are going to want to look at sexual imagery. This is nothing to be ashamed about; our culture exploits our God-given sexual appetite. The key is to know why it’s important to resist and be equipped with practical ways to avoid giving in to sexual temptation.

Let your kids know you can relate.
Why not explain to your child that you, too, can relate to sex-related temptations? Dad, have you ever told your son how it affected you the first time you were confronted with pornography? Mom, does your daughter know you, too, struggled with the pressure to be seductive in order to get attention from males? Whatever your story or experience, don’t be afraid to share it. That’s far more effective than reciting a list of sex-related “dos” and “don’ts.”

Overcome your own sex-related shame.
I encounter parents all of the time who are still battling their own sex-related regrets, guilt, and in some cases, current addictions. Let God heal you of that shame. If you need help for current struggles, get the counseling and accountability you need.

Keep trying.
While our kids may initially give us a hard time when we bring up the topic of sex, if we’ll keep initiating open and honest conversations, in time, our kids will understand that they can come to us with sex-related questions and issues. Should they suddenly encounter a sexually-charged temptation or situation, they’ll be much more likely to confide in us, which can make all the difference as we love and support them through their trying circumstances.

Need some help facilitating sex-related discussions with your preteen or teenager? Please avail yourself to my parent-preteen workbook, parent-teen study, and Parent Purity Project DVD-based program.

Prayer:

Father, You created sex to be a wonderful, life-giving experience as part of Your plan for marriage and family. Please help me to convey Your beautiful plan to my child. Help him/her to walk in victory over the sex-related shame common to our culture, and help me also to overcome sexual shame, embracing your forgiveness, purity, and wholeness as an example for my children. In Jesus’ name, amen.

After one of my teen presentations last month, a middle school student whom we’ll call “Jeremy” approached me and confided that he was addicted to pornography. He could identify with the mental and emotional consequences of viewing porn that I had just shared, but was worried that he was too addicted to stop. He said he already tried to quit, and had even come clean with his parents, but he had recently relapsed and was scared to tell them. He said his parents threatened to discipline him severely if they ever found out he looked at porn again.

Dr. John Foubert (OneInFourUSA.org) shared the following well-documented facts in his recent YouTube entry Porn On Campus: the Harm to College Students. I encourage you to view the video in its entirety:

• The porn industry went from earning 4 billion in annual revenue to 13 billion in annual revenue within 10 years. That is in the United States alone.

• Internationally, annual porn revenue equates to 100 billion dollars.

• Companies that are making MILLIONS of dollars off the porn industry: AT&T, MCI, Time-Warner, Comcast, Hilton, Marriott, Sheraton, Radisson, VISA, Master Card and American Express.

• The porn industry has successfully saturated the male market (teens and adults) and now seeks to captivate women, teen girls, and young boys.

• Twenty percent of pornographic material involves children.

• Ninety-five percent of boys and 62% of girls have view pornography by age 18.

• Eighty-five percent of college males and 33% of college girls view porn monthly.

• Based on an evaluation of the top 25 best-selling pornographic movies:

1. 88% include aggression and violence toward women.
2. 41% include a scene where a woman has oral sex immediately after having received anal sex.
3. 95% of the time when a female is slapped or hit by a man during intercourse, she responds with pleasure or ignores the act of abuse.

•  Thirty-three studies involving several thousand men came to the same conclusion: pornography causes males to become aggressive toward females.

•  Women who view pornography are more likely to blame a woman when she is sexually assaulted while being sympathetic to the perpetrator.

•  Women who use porn are more likely to be sexually aggressive and a perpetrator of sexual violence.

•  A study was conducted on a college campus to see how porn use affects whether young people would intervene or ignore an act of rape against a friend, occurring in his or her presence. First, fraternity young men were categorized:

1. 86% said they use mainstream porn regularly.
2. 25% said they view sadomasochistic porn regularly.
3. 18% said they are viewing porn regularly that contains rape scenes.

Then sorority young women were categorized:

1. 46% said they use mainstream porn regularly.
2.  21% said they are viewing sadomasochistic porn regularly.
3. 27% said they are viewing porn regularly that contains rape scenes.

Results:

1. Men who use porn were more likely to say that they would commit rape if they knew they wouldn’t get caught.
2. The majority of males and females using sadomasochistic porn said they weren’t sure how to intervene if they saw a friend being raped.
3. Those viewing rape pornography were far more likely to be unwilling to intervene if a rape was about to occur in their presence.

• Two out of three women in the sex industry suffer from Post Traumatic Sex Disorder (PTSD).

• A quote from a veteran in the porn industry, “I’d like to show what I believe the men want to see: violence against women.  I firmly believe that we serve a purpose by showing that . . .”

Parents, we must warn our kids about the dangers of porn, and get the counseling and help we need if we, or our spouse, are addicted to porn.

One of the most destructive consequences of sexual trauma and addiction is shame. Unfortunately I frequently encounter teens who are suffering under the weight of shame. As they share their stories with me, it’s heartbreaking to learn that their sex-related shame often dates back to early childhood.

A beautiful blond-headed 17-year-old girl confided in me that she was first exposed to pornography at eight years old while staying the night at a friend’s house. From that instant, she felt an overwhelming sense of shame, which, as is often the case, paved the way for her sexual addiction. She became addicted to porn and still battles the temptation every day.

Guilt vs. Shame

I recently viewed a clip from the documentary film Shamed where sex addiction recovery therapist Jayson Graves explains the difference between guilt and shame. Click here to view the clip, and check out the Pure Community website while you’re at it. What Jayson said was so important that I’d like to summarize it for you:

Guilt is the result of feeling bad over our actions, which can be a good thing. Shame is when we feel bad about who we are, which leads to bad things.

I have yet to meet a sexually addicted child, teen, or adult who isn’t battling shame. This form of self-loathing leads a person to a life of secrecy, lying, and hiding, all of which drive him or her deeper into sexual addiction and further away from loved ones.

Tips for Parents . . .

• Our elementary-age kids need to know that if they come in contact with images of nudity, they will want to look, and they need not be ashamed about this! It’s the way God wired our brains. From there, they need to know why they should turn away . . .
• It’s easier to take precautions against a forest fire than put out a raging blaze. Case in point, we should warn our kids about the dangers of pornography, including the reality that it causes brain damage, before they see it and become enthralled. Click here for a helpful resource.
• Since shame flourishes in secrecy, the only way to get victory over shame is to confess our sins, first to God, then to a fellow Christian (or parents, in the case of children). Confessing our sins requires humility, but it’s humility that activates God’s grace – His power working through us to help us overcome temptation.

In next month’s e-newsletter, I’ll share more about how to get free from sexual addiction and shame. For now . . .

Want to help stop the cycle of sex-related shame throughout our nation and world?

Once again, shame flourishes in secrecy, which is why the church cannot afford to stay silent on the issue of pornography and sexual addiction. I’m so grateful a collaborative effort is underway to produce an enlightening documentary, Shamed, for the purpose of sounding the alarm about pornography and offering hope to those suffering with porn addictions.

Please take a moment to click here and watch this inspiring video. Then pray about contributing toward the completion of this mission. IT IS DESPERATELY NEEDED!

The following appeared in a blog by Dr. Jim Jackson, Senior Pastor of Chapelwood United Methodist . . .

I want to report something I read recently in the New York Times, not exactly a conservative, Christian publication.

“Most young couples now live together as a safe first step before marriage,” wrote Meg Jay, a NYT writer. “But research shows that cohabiting is anything but safe. It makes couples less likely to be satisfied with their marriages, and more likely to divorce later. . .

Without saying so, women usually think of living together as a step toward marriage, whereas men tend to view it as a way of auditioning their partner while postponing commitment. As years slide by, the two people find that despite the trial nature of their relationship, they have become bound together by shared leases, wireless contracts, furniture, pets, and friends. Those who work up the courage to split find that the setup and switching costs are nearly as wrenching as a divorce. Others drift into marriage, while secretly wondering whether they have consciously chosen their mate.

To increase your chances of a satisfying, lasting relationship, it is best to start with ‘I do,’ rather than , ‘Maybe we will, and maybe we won’t.’”

How ’bout them apples!

It never fails; each time I conclude a presentation to teens, a handful of young people approach me one at a time and timidly ask, “Can I talk to you?”  They proceed to tell me the same basic, tragic story— they’re sexually active and want to stop but don’t know where to turn for support and accountability.

They’re always tearful. They always feel ashamed. And they always make this statement, “My parents and I aren’t very close.”

Conversely, when I talk with young people who are standing strong in their conviction to live a life of purity, they continually cite their parents as the single greatest influence and describe a close-knit parent-child relationship.

Parents, we’re busy—like, unbelievably busy—but we may be missing the point of this whole parenting thing. We’re so focused on providing the “perfect” upbringing for our kids that perhaps we are withholding the very thing they need the most . . .

Do you have a SURFACE or SPIRITUAL parenting style?

Surface parents make sure their kids’ every outward need is taken care of: homework gets done, laundry is folded and put away, extracurricular activities are going well and their child is flossing before bed, taking vitamins and is signed up to go to VBS or a Christian camp this summer.

Spiritual parents also tend to their kids’ outward needs, but are aware and responsive to their kids’ deeper, spiritual and emotional needs.  Although they don’t always show it, all teens and children, boys and girls, have a longing for intimacy. They want to feel—not just cared for—but connected.

Spiritual parents respond to this need by giving their kids the priceless gift of undivided attention, listening intently, and asking probing questions that go beyond surface details. Kids are regularly welcome and encouraged to express how they feel, what’s on their minds and what they are struggling with or excited about.

More to the point, spiritual parents pray with their kids and experience an extraordinary intimacy and connectedness as a result of the depth of their conversations around biblical, life-impacting themes.

Surface or Spiritual: How do you relate to God?

The parent who is vulnerable with God through private and authentic prayer, passionate praise and time spent devoted to studying His Word will likely bring that same authentic passion and devotion into his or her parent-child relationship, thus generating intimacy and connectedness.

Conversely, parents who are uncomfortable expressing devotion to God, praying heartfelt prayers or worshipping the Lord without inhibition will also likely struggle to foster emotional connectedness with their child and engage in heart-to-heart, uninhibited spiritual conversations.

Parent Action Step

Just like God beckons us to delight in His presence and move beyond an institutional, church-only worship experience with Him, our kids need us to connect on a more significant emotional level that transcends surface-only parenting.

Get alone with God and His Word, and pour out your heart to Him.

Then get alone with your child and invite him or her to confide in you and ask you about anything and everything. Also discuss how a relationship with Christ affects all aspects of life in everyday circumstances. Do this often! Some kids are more talkative than others, but in time, all kids delight in knowing that they have a parent who cares about more than clean socks, carpools and passing report cards.

They have a parent who cares about their deeper, spiritual needs.

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Deuteronomy 11:18-21

I recently sat on a panel of “experts” regarding the topic of sexuality at Rice University. Out of the three panelists, I was the only one who advocated a biblical worldview. To say that the reformed Jewish rabbi and sexual therapist seated on either side of me had different ideas about sex than I do is a serious understatement!

We were each given ten minutes to present our ideas about sexuality, then the conversation was open for students to ask virtually anything on their minds regarding sex and relationships during a time of “Q and A.”

Right off the bat, questions were directed at me about abortion:

• Should it be legal?
• Are there exceptions when a woman’s health is at stake?
• What if a pregnant woman is too poor to provide for a child?

Some of our country’s brightest minds continued posing questions:

• What if I’m a Christian but don’t want to wait until my boyfriend and I tie the knot in five years before having sex?
• Is it healthy to be involved emotionally and sexually with multiple people at once?
• When will my girlfriend and I know we’re ready to have sex?
• Is homosexuality wrong?

The primary difference between my responses and that of my fellow panelists is that they advocated a relativistic approach to sex and relationships—“If it makes you happy, do it.” I, on the other hand, poured out my soul trying to convey God’s bigger purpose for sex and asserted that there should be more than self at the center of our sex-related decisions (I’m trusting you put those two italicized words together and added “ed”).

At-Home Application

Does your son or daughter esteem the Bible as the standard of truth for everyday living or dismiss it as a mere historical collection of man’s out dated opinions? Does he or she believe that the Bible, every single passage of Scripture, is inspired by God—I mean really believe that?

Have you ever asked?

Let’s not assume that our child’s active church involvement equates to heartfelt belief in the inherency of the Bible! We can posses knowledge without buying into it.

I shared this same scripture with the Rice University students:
2 Timothy 3:16: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,”

We live in a day and time in which relativism rules, and the masses insist: “What’s right for you is right for you, but don’t push your ‘right’ on me!” Knowing this, if and until our kids cling to the Holy Word of God as a trustworthy anchor for their character, morality and life decisions, they are sure to be “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive” (Ephesians 4:14).

Let’s ask our kids what they believe about the Bible and assure them, they need not cover up their sincere beliefs on our account. If they say they do esteem the Bible as God-inspired, let’s ask them to share three reasons why—not to test their sincerity but to motivate them to give critical thought to what they say they believe. Trust me, if we don’t ask tough questions of them now, someone else will in the not so distant future!

If our kids admit that they do, in fact, question the reliability of the Bible, don’t panic. That just means we need to do a better job providing practical explanations about the truth claims of the Bible.

If we’re the ones unsure about the validity of the Scriptures, now is the time to seek to reconcile our doubts—to pursue answers to our questions as opposed to writing them off as unimportant.

Please keep in mind, a reverence for the Bible is only relevant when combined with a passionate love-walk with Christ.

Parents, we don’t have to become renowned Bible scholars; we just need to know why we put confidence in the Scriptures and pass on that hope and belief to our kids.

Helpful Resources

There are numerous resources and websites dedicated to answering straight-forward questions about the Bible’s credibility.

For teens, take a look at Evidence That Demands a Verdict, Answers In Genesis, Apologetics for a New Generation, and the Case For Christ Study Bible.

For younger children, check out Case for Faith for Kids, Fact or Fantasy, The Awesome Book of Bible Answers for Kids, and Answers In Genesis.

Masses of young people—and adults for that matter—have bought into the notion that there’s no harm in looking at pornography. To give you an idea just how many people are looking . . .

• 90% of 8 to 16-year-olds admit to having viewed pornography online.
• One out of two Christian men and one out of five Christian women admit to being addicted to pornography.
• A study of multiple college universities’ online activity revealed that 73% of all movie searches are for pornographic material.

Should we be concerned? Absolutely!  Why, you ask? Because, among numerous destructive repercussions, viewing pornography causes brain damage. Literally. Consider the following:

1. Just like hardcore drugs, pornography becomes addictive on a neurological level.

When we look at pornography, our body is flooded with an excessive amount of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that activates the pleasure center of the brain. This creates euphoric feelings and a natural “high” of sorts. However, when the pornographic stimulus is removed, dopamine levels crash and drop below normal, leaving a person feeling depressed. Keep in mind, crack and other hardcore drugs affect the brain this same way. The end result is a neurological craving to look at porn again, only this time dopamine levels will not produce the same level of euphoria; that is unless we take in even trashier imagery, which brings us to our next point . . .

2. Pornography leads to increasing depravity.

Consider these staggering findings:

• One in four image searches made by college students is for child pornography.
• 85% of those charged with possession of child pornography are also found guilty of abusing a child.

We read statistics like these and wonder, how does a person become so depraved? The answer is that pornography leads to increasing depravity on a neurological level.  Viewing porn causes a depletion of dopamine, and, as previously stated, this causes a person to feel down and depressed. Looking repeatedly at the same pornographic images only causes dopamine levels to rise slightly, if at all. If a person is going to experience a neurological “high,” he or she must continually view increasingly vulgar imagery, thus leading a formerly healthy individual to seek out all kinds of depraved and even criminal sexual stimuli.

3. Pornography damages the reasoning center of the brain.

In a brain scan, it’s difficult to tell the difference between a person who has experienced physical trauma to the front of the brain—in a car accident, for example—and a person who is addicted to porn. That’s because over stimulating the pleasure center of the brain causes the frontal lobe to atrophy and shrink. The frontal lobe is where we reason, make judgments and regulate emotion. When damaged, a person becomes impulsive (acts without thinking), compulsive (must have object of desire at all costs), and experiences drastic mood swings and impaired judgment. In light of this information, it’s easy to see why so many marriages end as a result of porn addictions.

Recovery is possible. However, the path to healing is usually difficult and the withdrawal symptoms can be on par with someone recovering from hardcore drug use.

We’ve Got to Do Something About This!

Pornography is a cancer on our society, a growing tumor that destroys families. If, like me, you can’t stand the idea of sitting back and doing nothing about this epidemic, here are some proactive ways to make a difference:

First, be honest and get real about what’s going on with you and your spouse (if married). If one or both of you have an addiction to pornography, the key to kicking it is admitting it, repenting for it and getting help from a biblically-sound support group and/or counselor. Click here to watch a helpful video along those lines. Click here to take a look at a recommended book.

Second, talk to your kids about the dangers of pornography—and by kids, I mean teens and elementary-age children! The average age of first exposure to pornography is nine years old. Beginning the Path to Purity aids parents in discussions with younger children.

Third, the Parent Purity Project DVD study is under production and will be available soon. There’s an entire one-hour teaching devoted to the topic of pornography and the media. The four-part series is designed for groups of parents to view the presentations together and discuss the topic, then have effective parent-child conversations at home. This is an awesome way to rapidly spread the word about the dangers of pornography. (The series also includes presentations on sex and premarital abstinence, dating and homosexaulity.) Stay tuned—when the Parent Purity Project is available, I’ll let you know!

 Prayer:

Father, You did not design our minds to take in pornographic images. Please help me to explain this to my child and cultivate convictions about guarding his or her eyes and ears from sexually stimulating media. Help (my spouse and) me to walk upright before You and resist the entrapment of pornography. (If repentance and rehabilitation is necessary) Forgive me/us for dishonoring You and give me/us the courage to get help and submit to accountability. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

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